Rape Me!
Disclaimer: This topic deals with themes of sexual assault, if you have had any exposure to this, please read on with extreme caution. Second of all, I am a sexologist. I research and read about sex and have been for about ten years. I have been involved with the BDSM/kink/fetish community since 2012.
Porn shapes reality. Memes related to porn shape reality. Most teenagers learn about sex through pornography (or other sexually explicit content through movies on say Netflix or Hulu). They are not given comprehensive sexual education via school or family, so everything they learn about sex comes from the media they consume (anime, manga, movies, comics, memes online, tv shows, etc.).
It is this reason that we have had a massive problem come up within the XXX community. People have come to think that “free use”, “cnc” (consensual non-consent, sometimes referred to as “rape play”), and “rough sex” have all become synonymous. This couldn’t be further from the truth. So let’s take a deep dive into what exactly these terms mean within the adult industry.
Rough sex is the easiest one to define. It is sexual activities (doesn’t have to include penetration of any kind) that has some combination of:
- rough man handling (throwing someone to the bed, pulling their hair to have their head at an unnatural angle, etc.)
- using your teeth, nails, playfully fighting back, could involve physical restraints via bondage or pinning someone to the ground
- often involves some kind of aggressive vocalization (animalistic snarls, animalistic growls, etc.)
Rough sex still needs consent. Every couple dynamic is different, regardless if it is vanilla or fetish scene related. Rough sex can still be dropped the moment a safe word is dropped. There is still an underlying feeling of safety with rough sex. It is not typically as severe as CNC or free use. It does not feel like a panic inducing “I am fighting for my life” mentality.
Next let’s define free use.
Free use can most easily be defined as “someone who has prior consented to have their body used sexually whenever their partner wants to”. The person does not have to ask for permission to come up and engage in sexual activities (because it has been prior consented to). A safe word has been negotiated so if the receiving partner is in a bad head space (or any reason, really) they can use the safe word and drop the sexual activities at any time.
Free use typically involves penetrative sex (be it with sex toys, fingers, or a penis). It might involve groping (touching the breast, aggressive or otherwise). Free use can be more sensual than aggressive as well. It is not inherently aggressive or violent. Free use is generally done within the safety and privacy of the individuals’ home as well.
Free use is not done with the mentality of “I am fighting for my life”. There is still a sense of safety under all of it.
Finally, let’s discuss CNC.
“CNC” (consensual non consent, sometimes called “rape play”, the official fetish name is biastophilia) is the most aggressive type of these three. It typically involves very violent activities such as:
- a blow job to the point of vomiting (and/or severe gagging, tears, a sensation of choking on what is being put on the mouth)
- a group of people and/or individual acting extremely sexually aggressive (rough grouping, harsh hair pulling/twisting, possibly punching or kicking the receiver, etc.)
- Ignoring any “light” or “moderate” safe words (there’s typically only one signal to make the scene drop, otherwise, there’s no “keep going” or “I’m a little roughed up but keep going”, it’s only “stop, I absolutely can’t handle this anymore”)
- clothes being ripped away (via knife, hands, or other sharp implement)
- severe verbal degradation towards the receiver
- possible involvement of fear play (using objects to induce fear such as blood, an animal they’re afraid of, foul smells, weapons such as knives or guns, etc.)
CNC is a type of play that even professionals (such as professional sex workers that work for popular XXX websites) have trouble doing. This is why CNC scenes are typically offered much more money if the actors and actresses can make it through it. CNC is very rough on the receiver psychologically because it often tricks the brain into a “I am fighting for my life” mentality because of the inherent aggressiveness of the scene. It is meant for the receiver to have no feeling of safety or protection.
Unfortunately, many popular XXX media places be it porn or erotic audios have conflated these three terms. Because of this conflation, the overall fetish/kink/BDSM scene are suffering. Some people might say “rape me” when in reality they mean “give it to me rough”.
